- First and foremost, it would have to be completely understood, that I would have complete authority to initiate any change I see fit, for as long as we both should live!
- Then I’d persuade a bunch of piolets to party above the clouds, drop popcorn to reflect more white light, and save this planet from the catastrophic effects of climate change!
- I would outlaw meat unless made by a vegetable process! I’m sick and tired of just sitting here while people Hassen an early death! Is this not a form of suicide, however slow? I would provide healthy food, using a fraction of the land, freeing the rest up for reforestation.
- I would take the proceeds from the above, and feed, clothe, and house the poor, without: “qualifications”…
- Then I’d build a lot of Casinos, take the proceeds from that, and finance an ongoing mission to clean up the oceans.
- I’d not only ban glyphosate, but 140 other insecticides with instructions: “Good bugs eat bad bugs!” Hook up to The Internet, and find the answer to the bug that’s been bugging you.
- Next, I’d put out an album; so you know, so you see what a cool President you have! Pray to me!
- Then I’d take the proceeds from that, and build boys camps all over, where a boy can feel self worth, and gain an eye on his own future; Emm… You know… Military’s Camps for Kids. Lol!
- Then I’d take a sex break while I wait for my army to grow…
- Then I’d invade Turkey for more land to plant beans! Why Turkey? Why not Turkey?
Humor
- Buy an air conditioner! Of course climate is going to change. That’s its job! You were expecting maybe, a constant 72 degree environment? This clever 16th. century invention was first called: “A grass hut.”
- Don’t live beside a volcano! Of course it’s going to get hot. You live beside a volcano…
- Move to the north pole! No matter how hot it gets elsewhere, the tilt of the Earth guarantees plenty of ice for your vodka gimlet! You’ll have to sacrifice a Nutritarian diet for whale blubber and maggots. But isn’t it worth 6 months of party nights?
- Sit in a bathtub filled with cold water! As an add on accessory, put on wheels and an outboard motor so you can still shop!
- Sign up for space flight! I hear asteroids are a cool place to live. Invite your friends and family for an extended vacation and wow them with your new cosmic vistas… Long distance charges may apply.
- Take drugs! It may get warmer, but would you notice? You’ll be too busy going through chills and convulsions.
- Stick your head in the fridge! Your head is the only part of your body that doesn’t like getting hot. Besides, someone may think you’re starving and give you a coupon from Burger King…
- Fan your face! It makes you look classy and has an oriental feel, even if it gets too hot there too.
- Blow on it! If a huge fire should suddenly self com-bust in front of you, it will force the flames in another direction.
- Hold a big tub of ice cream between your legs! It won’t change the temp. outside, but your nuts will remember you…
Good evening! Tonight when the moon is full I’ll bite your throat. I’m sorry, I meant to say boat! It was a slip of the tooth. I’m sorry, I meant to say tongue! Won’t you sit beside me on my bled? I’m sorry, I meant to say bed! You’re making me cross! Did I say that?
Nothing can be more annoying then having to blow on your noodles all day! Hence, the handy and indispensable: ‘Chop sticks with a fan’ invention… I don’t know what’s wrong with waiting until it’s ready? But then, if you only get a 10 minute lunch break, it’s the perfect idea!
Are you tired of getting wet feet at the last moment? Perhaps the term: ‘Weather Protection’ spray is simply not an option when it comes to these cute little ridiculous umbrellas… What if there’s an up-draft?
Funny how a little breath spray can bring you closer to God! See, I thought He just didn’t like me! Little did I know, all along it was my bad breath!
Why use a knife to butter your bread when you can make a work of art from your baloney sandwich and display it in a gallery?
This (guaranteed for 30 days cuz it’s so weird) ‘Porn Hoodie’ will keep your Mother from finding out what you’re up to… And it doubles as a face sock!
You’re going to a party. You have unsightly warts, blisters and cal-asses… Don’t get stuck with embarrassment when your wounds have to go wee. Got naked hands? Buy Handerpants!
For more exciting adventures, check these 25 wacky inventions out:
http://ca.complex.com/style/2013/05/25-inventions-that-are-completely-pointless/
- your waiting in line, and everyone in front of you is leaving!
- you get caught stealing your neighbor’s dildo!
- everyone is looking at you, but no one is speaking!
- you open a door, and there’s nothing but air on the other side!
- you’re playing poker with a tarantula, and he has four Full Houses, a Flush, and a pair of Queens, and you have a pair of Deuces!
- you want to go through a revolving door, but you just can’t time your exit right!
- you’re the first reported case of Spotted Dick Disease!
- Donald Trump seems like a reasonable option!
- you meet the girl of your dreams, but you look like death warmed over!
- you’re sitting in Church, with a bad case of Blue Balls!
- you take the wrong turn off the exit ramp, which leads to a one way street, which leads to a dead-end, where a gang of Hoodlums are waiting!
- everyone makes a toast! But you’re the only one drinking!
- everywhere you turn, people are sneaking away from you!
- your wife had a baby with two heads!
- an elephant sits on your face!
I think happiness is so illusive to so many people, because it stems from an emptiness from within that needs to be filled. I, like so many, believed finding a mate was the way to happiness; I’d never been so miserable in all my life! Co-dependence sucks big time! Finding a mate is not so easy as it sounds… I must’ve made over 100 attempts! LOL! Parents, school, church… None of them had the directions to my Shangrila!
So many people would say: ‘Happiness comes from within!’ So does vomit! What does that mean??? It simply means that it emanates from you; doesn’t require refills… That still doesn’t tell us what happiness is. We find that out best by experiencing what it isn’t first; it’s hard to appreciate the good life unless you’ve had to raise yourself up out of the muck to get there… Then when we do, something is missing!
I believe it’s just that feeling of being discontented that causes us to explore just what things do make us happy! Some need to see the world to be happy. Others can be happy with a lover, in a dingy basement apartment, and never go out except for pop, chips and razor blades! Though it isn’t any one thing, it is what it is to you! So I’ll tell you what makes me happy, and see what fits the mold…
- I need to have a mate. Don’t know why… I don’t visit with them often, especially when they live here!
- I need to explore the world around me; at least what I can get to on a dirt bike. So my world is square, and flat…
- I need a best friend like Bonehead; he’s loyal, helpful, friendly, humorous, interesting, and robs me blind!
- I need to blog! I’ve always felt so tiny without it! Now, thanks to you, I’m really full of it!
- I need a sense of security… Sucking my thumb makes me happy! But I need more! I need my blanky!
- I need a pet like Smokey (My cat.)! I think he’s gay! He likes to sniff my nipples, and meows at me constantly, so I’m happy I have a front door!
- I need Froggy, so I have someone special, and unique by my side always! Sometimes he makes a stinky poo…
- I need support from my peers or I immediately worry that I’ve lost my I.Q.
- I need Astronomy! I know my home planet is out there someplace! If I just follow the alphabet to Planet X…
- I need to exercise, or I’ll hate the day I was born, sit in a pile of ashes and moan! When I exercise I get to moan on the run!
- I need my meds., or I’d be sitting in a corner laughing, ripping the wings off insects!
- I need to count my blessings! 1, 2… OK! I have to be happy I don’t need a lot of blessings to be happy!
- I should be happy I’m not bombed out of existence! Many viruses have tried and failed!
- I need the sun! Well, not up close! Just something I can put in my pocket, and bring out for the winter. If I could breed fire flies???
- I’m happy to make it to the bathroom, and pee all over the wall!
- I’m happy to ignore all my physical pains, how I’m a complete zero, nobody ever listens to me! How I hate myself!
- I hate being happy; you walk around with a stupid grin on all the time! I’m happiest when I’m miserable!
- I’d be happy if the world would blow up and leave me with my own space!
- I don’t know why I brought this stupid subject up in the first place! But now I’m happy I can’t remember!
- I’m happy I don’t have to write about happiness anymore! It depresses me 😦
- Two men tunneled their way into The US Mint last night. Trouble was, the gold was so heavy, they’d only gotten 12 feet with it, before they were caught the following morning… Maybe they should have left some there for a rainy day!
- Two women, one a midget, and the other a giant, have been arguing on the same street corner for over two years over who’s tallest! Seems they’ll never settle their differences.
- A short bald guy carrying a bald cat and answering to the name: ‘Mini Me’, was arrested yesterday for threatening to blow up his town unless he gets $50 in small change. Hmmmm…
- An elderly man was taken to The Hospital today, after shooting himself in the head with a blank gun! When asked why he needed to go to The Hospital, he said: ‘I didn’t know the gun wasn’t loaded!’ Apparently, his wife had refused him his morning ‘Tooty Fruity’ ice cream.
- Seemingly, Green Peace could not submit their photo of a polluted ocean, cuz all the fish were smiling for the camera…
- Two Boy Scouts got it wrong when trying to help a 109 year old woman (one Bessy Walkman), to cross a busy intersection. They were at the point of no return when the light turned red, so they all had to run like Hell!
- A boy lost his dog yesterday, a large Afghan. Apparently, the boy threw a stick, said: ‘Go fetch!’, and the dog just kept on going…
- A 42-year-old male was taken to Hospital, after eating 400 pounds of raw, red meat in one sitting! Doctors gave him a 400 pound rolaid, and now he seems to be doing just fine.
- A man found encapsulated in ice for over 60,000 years, was miraculously thawed and revived after 16 scrutonous hours of observation! When asked what the man had to say to the world, he requested: ‘Give a man a brew!’, taking up right where he left off!
- The Government finally gave something to The Poor today. It’s a redeemable coupon for a bowling ball, at any Canadian Tire store!
I was always different! I never really got along in real society… I would always fight with my brother, and our mother was simply helpless to stop it! Still, she always took us to the park. She was a good Gorilla! Even today I hang out with only a select group of friends.
Here I am with my friends when I was just a young chimp looking for mischief. I’m the one eating the twig… Well, I figure if I’m gonna join the circus, they’re gonna need a selfie of me. So I got out the old Polaroid, blew the dust off and took a selfie for the circus people.
So here I am all spruced up! I know my teeth are a little yellow… It’s pee stains… I knew how to find the circus but not what I can do to entertain once I get there. I can peel a banana! OK… I can squish a banana… I know how to pick my ass! Is picking my ass entertainment?
Here’s the Manager of the circus… He didn’t talk much. His nose got in the way! Said his Father was Jimmy Durante: ‘That’s no banana! That’s my nose! Ha cha-cha cha-cha cha!’ He told me I’d have to start out licking up the elephants cage… Sounded VERY promising to me!
As you can well imagine, after a few hours of that, I told him what he could do with his job!
What a way to make a living!
So I joined a rock band and everything’s been fine since…
I know a couple of blonde jokes… These two blondes are each standing on different sides of a river bank. One blonde shouts to the other: ‘HOW DO I GET TO THE OTHER SIDE?’ The other blonde shouts back: ‘YOU ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE!’
Hehehehehehehehe! Hehehehehehehehe!
Q. What do you call 3 blonds in a freezer?
A. Frosted Flakes!
Hehehehehehehehe! Hehehehehehehehe!
Q. Why don’t blondes like to breast feed their children?
A. Because it hurts when they boil their nipples!
Hehehehehehehehe! Hehehehehehehehe!
Q. Why can’t you tell blondes knock-knock jokes?
A. Because they go answer the door!
Hehehehehehehehe! Hehehehehehehehe!
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