I don’t think home security is any more safe for you than car insurance, if you want my honest opinion! Who do you think criminals are? A bunch of teenagers sick of playing dominos, so they must go out and say rude stuff? No! People have got that wrong! We always think break-ins and assaults, rapes and murders, are something infrequent enough, that’s always something that happens to the other guy. Yet the criminal way of thinking is on the rise! And in many ways, we are all no more than sitting ducks! To begin with, they’re partying with our computers as I speak! And if someone does want to rape you, tell them you have AIDS! Then they’ll usually just say: ‘Damn, I forgot my Trojans, and play strange with the dog!’ Condoms aren’t ‘always’ safe anyway! Maybe we should switch to air bags; then these offenders can’t get away! It might look funny on the 6 O’clock news! You may have to hide from your children!
Some people pay some outlandish monthly charge, that, as soon as your alarm goes off, they’ll dispatch the Police to your house right away… Are you new? You can do this yourself with a simple 911 call for FREE! Of corpse you might have to wait 10 minutes, locked in your bathroom, listening to elevator music. If anything can distract you from illicit sex, its elevator music! If a raving maniac breaks in, just snap your fingers to the music! Elevator music will put him to sleep untill Police drones can arrive, to snap some spiffy pictures, of you making a clean getaway to a cheap hotel room in Vermont… Don’t let cheesy criminals get away with turning your home into a Motorcycle Club! Make them pay for your air fare!
My washroom actually has a slot on the outside you can turn with your thumb nail to open! That’s incase you should slip in the tub, and someone might waste precious time braking through the flimsy bathroom lock with their shoulder. Given my weight, I’d just have to sneeze, and the door would probably fall down that way… Let’s get one thing straight; you could be a New Yorker, with 18 locks on your door! Yet if it’s just attached to a thin frame of wood, a good boot or two near the middle of the door should get you, (The murderous Roughian) in! There are signs! If I guy says he’s a Plummer, tell him to show you his butt crack before you let him in!
What you need is the handy-dandy 6′ inch steel door with combination lock, a ten foot fence with barbed wire, a fake helicopter recording and a bright search light, and using a mega phone shout: ‘THIS IS THE POLICE! WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED! THROW DOWN YOUR WEAPONS AND GIVE US A TAP DANCE!’ Don’t forget land mines, attack dogs, and two trained ninja fighters! If all else fails, always have that button in your hand so you can set off a small nuke and take out all suspected criminals within a 9 block radius!
You put this flimsy, thin chain on your door with tiny screws… A stray seagull could hit that and break through! Yet you have a big thick chain with a Brinks Security pad lock on your shed, in hopes of saving that rusty skidoo you never use! Thieves just bring a shovel, dig a hole from the back and crawl in… It’s only a shed! You might have to disassemble your snowplow, and keep it in a locker at The Airport! Be sure and say you work there!
Then you leave a light on so anyone can make their way to the ham in your fridge at 3 am. But it also lights the way for a criminal Hoodlum to quickly locate people, and tie them up with ‘Green Frog’ tape; it leaves no unsightly seams or residue! Security cameras can sometimes give you revealing pictures of bubble gum! You can have little yappy dogs that only irritate your neighbors, and be easily flushed down the toilet, (They’re like large rats on steroids) so their goes that plan…
What would be super cool, is to build those houses in trees, in the forest, that are made entirely of mirrors, and are invisible, except for the banana peels the monkeys leave behind, and Whooping Crane doo doo… Besides, window cleaners would give you an enormous service charge! No! Unless you move to Mars, (and you’ll need extra underwear) there are no safe households! I keep a titanium bat made by the ACME Real Tin Co., just in case! I’d definitely be open to a ‘Plan B’ or any other alphabetical schemes you may come up with! Anyway, if you look through your peep-hole, and see a big bunch of guys in ‘killer bee’ costumes, saying their there to fix a problem with your phone, ask for fake I.D. They’re all out there worrying about gun laws, and I think we should all be entitled to a FREE case of hand grenades!