Captain Ahab: ‘Call me Ishmael!’ he said as his peg leg pierced the silence, clomping across the upper deck of the Whaling vessel: ‘Pequod’. The year was 1851. With determination and an annoying sense of timing, occasionally stopping to give a glare, he’d then march on a few feet more; as if caught deep in contemplative reflection. On the upper deck, towering above his crew, he stopped and spoke again: ‘This is a whaling vessel! And you shall refer to her as such! No man shall ever have his head above mine except me!’
Crew Rep: ‘Pardon your Lordship Sir, but it’s physically impossible for you to have your own head above your head Cap’n Ishmael Sir!’
Captain Ahab: (Starring him down.) ‘No man shall EVER question MEEEE!!! Or I will feed him to THE SHARKS! Well first we’ll play checkers, maybe a little hop scotch, and have a smelly cigar, with whisky, some Rolling Stones, and women…’
Crew Rep: ‘All right Sir! Don’t have a cow your craziness Sir!’
Captain Ahab: ‘ I didn’t get this cheap, cracked wooden leg hunting for tommy cocks, I’ll tell ya that bub!’ No! I got my leg taken off at the knee by that great, white, sperm whale, Moldy Dick! See this shiny new quarter?’ (He held the silver coin above his head.) ‘See it? (Waving coin.) A shiny piece of silver almost as big as this one for the first man to stab Moldy! First Mate! Hand out the tooth picks!’
First Mate: ‘Please don’t make me do it Cap’n Sir! I’m shy!’
Ahab: SHUT UP PORKY!!
Crew Rep: ‘Beggin’ yer pardon your royal lunatic Sir! Tooth-picks would be quite useless against such a big fish, your cowardliness Sir!’
Ahab: ‘I WANT MULTIPLE STABBINGS MULTIPLE TIMES!!’
Crew Rep: ‘But we have harpoons for that Cap’n Stupidity Sir…’
Ahab: ‘Someone brought harpoons (eyes moving from side to side.)?
That night, the crew grew restless about the captain’s speech and began to murmur about themselves. (murmur, murmur, murmur…)
Crewman Johnson: ‘The Captain have a blood clot man! How do we know this is a white whale man! Could be black man!’ (Murmur, murmur, murmur…)
Crew Rep: ‘ AND HE ONLY WANTS TA GIVE US 10 CENTS TA STAB THE BEAST!!’ (Murmer, murmur, murmur…)
Crewman Clinton: ‘What we have here is a subversive complainant, with psychopathic tendencies, requiring us to take arms, and legs, and feet and whatever else we can take!’
Crew Rep: ‘What did he say?’
As the crew plotted their fun mutiny, a great storm overtook the ship! Then down the stairs came Captain Ahab, alias, Ishmael: ‘Do I hear the dirty smell of mutiny aboard me vessel?’
Crew Rep. Pardon again your screwballness Sir, but you can’t hear a smell!’
Ahab: Stinks down here! Smells like the mutinous smell of day old sardines!
Crew Rep. Sir?
Ahab: ‘EAT ME!! (his beady eyes, highlighted by lightning, scowered the room for any resistance.) If anyone is mutinous aboard this ship, let him speak now so’s I can cut out his tongue, boil him in oil, give him a good spanking!’ (Insert crickets…)
Then the electrified air was pierced with the haunting sound of Moldy himself; full of fish hocks, licence plates, rubber tires, and scars… Lots of scars! ‘WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!’ They all rushed on deck and there he was; bigger than life! And the storm went away… (Poof!)
Ahab: EVERYONE THROW YOUR TOOTH PICKS!!
Crew Rep: ‘Will ya look at the size of that Dick! It’s enormous!’
Crewman Johnson: ‘Ewww man! (flinging his dreadlocks) And it’s all Moldy too! We shouldn’t be speaking like this man…’
Crew Rep: ‘I dunno! It just gets me horny!’
Ahab: ‘ EAT ME!!!’