I did sniff my way to a little cash this year! I spent half of it on women, booze, and gambling… The other half I wasted! The only reason I asked for a cork this year, was because my pluming is leaking! It just got a little out of hand, on the walls… I have new freckles now! Every new year, I try to think of something I can change about myself that will make me look less strange and evil! Last year, I wowed to wear clothes like real civilized people do. I did that, and still people run away in a panic if they even catch wind of me… Grant it, my wind isn’t the best on the planet, but I do wear ‘High Karate’ cologne to keep up with my martial arts instructions. Six weeks for only $6.99!
So this year, I’ve made it my restitution to go outside, and see if the planet’s still here! I’ve heard rumors that some want to move to other worlds, but can’t afford the gas… People is SO stupid! Why not just use a canoe? This year, I also promise to stop sniffing the bathrooms after people use them. I just want to see what people have already eaten, so I can offer them something different! Plus it gives clues as to who else they’ve licked, so I have a fair idea if I will or won’t catch any air-borne germs the size of rodents!
Also, I thought it would be a good idea if I stopped playing with my toes… It makes for a smelly handshake; much harder to make an honest first impression! I’m also resting, that I don’t get so upset OVER NOTHING FOR !%$# !@&^%$ THE LOVE OF MIKE!!! If people would only STOP PISSING ME OFF, maybe I’d STAND A CHANCE! &^%$ !#@^%$
It’s my tradition every year, to jerk off over the turkey… It’s rich in protein, and stops the turkey from running away! As an added attraction, I like to play ‘God Save The Queen’ or ‘Amazing Grapes’, with my butt. In the past, some have said my idea stinks! Others complain if they don’t get a chance to harmonize! I think my methane is really quite pleasant 🙂 Others think other-wise, so next year, I’m just gonna fart in a hermetically sealed jar, and drop it in the ocean… If I find a stinky bottle in return, I’ll know if they’ve had roast beef, or what? And just because I don’t like someone, I will no longer pee on their doorknob! I’m turning over a new leaf too, so I can find more tasty grubs! (SHABOOM!)
Another thing to change, is that I have to stop giving myself concussions, just to get a cheap high! Doctors say my head is beginning to look like a obstical course! I’m thinking of turning it into a Flea Circus. Then I could be a traveling show! I could set up bumper cars for ticks, ferris wheels for roaches, roller coasters for praying mantises! It wood bee fun to closely observe my head! I wouldn’t make a lot of friends… But who needs people when your mental? THE DAMN THINGS NEVER SHUT UP!! So I’m going to wear a muzzle! These are my New Year’s Restitutions…