I suffer from bipolar depression, naturally, because everybody else does too. It just seems whatever I get into, the rest of the world is getting into that at the same time. Way back when I was 32, (now I’m 61) I conceived of the scathingly brilliant idea of starting my own business. Then suddenly, everybody started doing that, and competition was everywhere!
It’s like now. I decide I want to sell my pictures over The Internet, and suddenly Bing comes out with pictures that would blow your socks off! And I just don’t have the money to do that kind of traveling… How am I gonna compete with that? They’re a Corporation. I’m just me.
I know. I’m having one of my bad days. I decide I’m going to take a nice, healthy run, over to a friends house for a little RR from my constantly nagging other half, who wants me to do a myriad of things every ten minutes. Then it started to rain. So that cancelled that idea. “Nowhere to run! Nowhere to hide!” What a writer needs least, is distraction!
That figures for today though. It started before I could get my morning tea down me. And I need peace when I down my morning tea… Just a half hour to wake up. PLEASE! Why is that so much to ask?
Now I’m all jittery and mess up! I decided when I turned 60, that I was going to do whatever it is “I want” instead of having to the rest of the planet all the time. I’m beginning to think it quite impossible to live with a woman and achieve peace of mind at the same time… What was I thinking? LOL! I just haven’t found the right one, and perhaps never will.
Don’t forget, I’m also miserable over at: http//lidtop.wordpress.com That’s my Photo Blog.
I descend into this pit, and can be there for weeks; never getting up in the day time, not caring about anything or anyone, no energy, anxiety attacks (you can’t breath, and think you’re gonna die) They’re scary, but I haven’t had one in over a year. I certainly hope that’s not what’s going on right now.
There are physical symptoms too; for instance, my butt feels sensitive right now. I can just feel it’s contour constantly, like it’s trying to remind me it’s there or something… Weird! At other times, my arms will be too long or my head too big. Something’s always off physically during these attacks of worthlessness.
I can’t eat cuz I’m mad at food today, so my stomach feels queasy. And I feel nervous, hopeless, a pain in my ankle. A crow cries outside, and it makes me feel even more like a scavenger… Unreal! I feel lonely and lost, with this sick feeling of impending doom.
I hate death anyway; it’s not the dying part that bothers me. I’ve been through long lasting extreme pain before, many times. It’s the not knowing, the eons of blankness. This is what I can’t fathom! And today, it feels like I’m going to die, and it’s very uncomfortable for me. I’m all out of happy pills too. I’ve just gotta wait this out. I feel so sad :O(